


words like baby birds

by spadebrigade



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends, Diary/Journal, Ficlet, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Graduation, High School, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Third Year Tsukishima Kei and Yamaguchi Tadashi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:13:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25228888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spadebrigade/pseuds/spadebrigade
Summary: Yamaguchi always writes about Tsukki in his journal, but can’t bring himself to confess his feelings out loud. The biggest problem? Graduation is approaching, and he’s running out of time before their friendship changes forever.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 38
Kudos: 310





	words like baby birds

**Author's Note:**

  * For [l_moongod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/l_moongod/gifts).



> this piece is dedicated to luna~ happy birthday!! yes angst as a bday gift but hopefully you'll like it hfghgk

Yamaguchi liked to journal. It wasn’t something that he hid, but he didn’t exactly brag about it, either. 

He’d first gotten a journal as a birthday present when he was thirteen. A simple brown leather cover, something an aunt had gotten him because she didn’t know what he’d like. He didn’t know what to do with it at first, letting it settle at the bottom of a drawer among old school projects and dust bunnies. But one day, he got into a fight with his parents and, having no one else to turn to, he poured his feelings out onto the pages. 

After that first time, he didn’t think he’d ever do it again. But at the end of each day, he found himself returning to his small desk to grab a pen and write out his thoughts.

Over time, the filled pages became a good way to keep memories and their snippets, like funny receipts and stubs from movie tickets. As he got older, he filled more notebooks, and got more as birthday presents not because they were generic gifts, but because he actually liked them. He liked to think that journaling freed his thoughts from his head when they were sometimes too heavy to carry on his own. Thoughts that even Tsukki didn’t know about.

**_I didn’t used to think much of gold. I’d see it in jewelry shops and on people’s fingers. But it never had much worth to me until I noticed how it sparkled in your eyes._ **

Was one entry he wrote beside a poor sketch of Tsukki’s eyes. He wasn’t very poetic when he spoke out loud, but when he wrote these things down, he felt like a more sensitive and braver person. Someone who could say exactly what was on their mind.

But he wasn’t that person. He was the guy who always carried around a baby blue notebook with robin’s eggs on the cover.

“Yamaguchi, you’re spacing out.” Tsukki said with a note of impatience, though Yamaguchi knew it was actually concern.

He sat up straighter. “Sorry, Tsukki! I’m just...worried about that test we have tomorrow.” A clumsy lie.

“You have nothing to worry about. It’s not like you’re Kageyama.”

He let out a chuckle, casually closing the notebook. He’d probably die from embarrassment if Tsukki knew what he’d been writing about just then: a summer night last year, in the middle of their high school life, when the air was so warm and fuzzy that the sky was holding its breath. Back when things were simpler, when “adult” life and responsibilities were too far beyond the horizon to think about.

They had sat in the grass, staring up at the stars and talking about nothing important: the best brand of strawberry milk, whether or not they should rewatch Jurassic Park, and other things that he couldn’t remember now. Why couldn’t he remember when it had been one of the best nights of his life?

“Look,” Tsukki had said, pointing to the right of the full moon, “Is that the north star?”

“I think it is.” 

A stretch of silence passed between them. Which wasn’t unusual: they’d been friends for so long that a comfortable silence was normal. But something in the air felt different—ripe—so he turned to face Tsukki and found two golden eyes staring right at him. “Tsukki?” His heart stuttered in his chest.

“You’re kind of like the north star.” The statement left Tsukki suddenly, turning his cheeks pink (a fact they both ignored). 

Before Yamaguchi could begin to ask the flustered _how,_ the other began a clumsy explanation, hands clutching at dew-covered blades of grass. “You’re always there—you’re reliable. And you shine even when no one’s looking.” He cleared his throat. “Or something like that.”

Yamaguchi felt a tightness in his chest that reached his throat. But he couldn’t be cheesy back. That wasn’t what friends did. 

So he bundled his pain, tied it in a knot, and tried to laugh the way a friend would. “What, are you sentimental now?” And waited for the feeling to fade.

It never faded. 

He never stopped wondering how he could be Tsukki’s star. How he could be something that shined so brightly in the sky, and what that would even mean to Tsukki, who was so down to Earth, so grounded. Was he someone that Tsukki couldn’t reach?

**_I always thought that the moon and the stars would be closer together. It looks that way, doesn’t it? When you’re watching from Earth. But really, a star could be millions of miles away from the moon and you’d never know it._ **

Now, Tsukki sat in the chair beside him. The afternoon sunlight stretched through the classroom windows, the way it always did.

“Another career counseling meeting,” Tsukki sighed. “I think Takeda is more concerned about my future than I am.”

He chuckled. “That’s kind of his job.” He didn’t know what Tsukki would even need counseling for—he knew what college he wanted to go to, he knew he wanted to pursue volleyball, and he had the grades and skills to easily do both. Yamaguchi was the one struggling.

“Yeah.” Tsukki turned to him with the kind of look that made him want to dart in the other direction. Like he was a book propped open for his friend to read. “Has Sensei been up your butt?”

Yamaguchi’s mouth formed a reassuring half-smile. “Kind of. He’s been lecturing me that going to college isn’t enough of a plan, that I need to know what to do after. As if I don’t know that.”

“You’ll figure it out.” Tsukki said with such cool bluntness, like he was absolutely sure of it. It made a small patch of warmth bloom in his chest. 

“You’re right,” he said with what he hoped was a confident smile. 

But really, he wasn’t so sure. All these years he’d had Tsukki by his side, a friend to factor into decisions. Who had been poker-faced when he said he wanted to try out for team captain, as though it wasn’t a ridiculous idea at all (at the time, Yamaguchi had felt crazy for even considering it). A friend who was willing to tag along at any gathering purely because Yamaguchi would be there, despite how much said friend sometimes couldn’t stand other people. A friend who, before their last game as high schoolers, used steady fingers to warm up his cold, shaking hands.

But from now on, Yamaguchi had to decide alone.

He knew that they weren’t going to the same college. It was a fact that he’d been trying to ignore ever since Tsukki had brought it up so casually at the beginning of the year. He couldn’t imagine not walking home together, not having conversations with their eyes whenever Hinata and Kageyama were being morons, not hearing Tsukki’s laugh—his real one—that was usually only saved for Yamaguchi’s ears.

**_Too many things are changing at once. If the whole world is spinning, what are you supposed to hold onto? How do you keep your balance?_ **

He could swear that he felt dizzy.

The weekend arrived quicker than he’d counted on. Tsukki came over to study, and it was just like any other time they hung out together. So why were his hands so clammy?

He couldn’t stop staring at Tsukki. All hope of finishing the page of practice problems was lost. Yamaguchi was so focused on the curve of his jaw, the scrunch of his nose when he wrote the wrong answer, the melted gold of his irises.

**_It’s not fair…_ **

“What’s not fair?”

Tsukki’s question made him jump. He hadn’t even realized that he said that part out loud and pushed away the blush that threatened to conquer his face. “Oh, you know,” he said quickly, eyes darting across his notes for an answer to _this_ problem. “That we’re inside on such a nice day.”

“Let’s go for a walk then.” Tsukki stood, stretching. “We need a break anyway.”

Yamaguchi felt almost naked, leaving his journal behind in his room. But he pushed away the feeling as he walked beside Tsukki, inhaling the crisp air that meant winter was approaching. It was already October, and their graduation was only four months away.

“Yamaguchi.”

He didn’t realize how spaced out he’d been until Tsukki called his name. “Yeah?”

They paused their steps beneath a dying tree, a golden leaf falling from the branches. “Are you okay? You’ve been acting weird lately.”

“Oh, you know…” His gaze found the browning blades of grass at the edge of the sidewalk. “It’s the stress.”

Tsukki rolled his eyes. “Come on. You know you can tell me anything. Or are you only going to tell your journal?”

Yamaguchi suddenly felt his cheeks warm in the midst of the autumn air. Of course Tsukki knew about the journal: it was hard to hide that kind of thing from your best friend. And he’d never teased Yamaguchi about it, or even brought it up until now. “It’s just...everything is changing, you know?” His hands clenched at his sides. “We won’t be on the team anymore and we’re going to different colleges…”

Tsukki raised an eyebrow, giving him the subtle version of his ‘are you stupid’ look. “We’re still going to be friends.”

~~**_I don’t want to be friends._ ** ~~

“It’s not going to be the same.”

Tsukki stood beside him, their shoulders touching. Heat melted through the fabric where their bodies met. “Don’t you think that maybe change is a good thing? You can finally find smarter people to hang out with aside from the volleyball idiots.”

He chuckled, willing the stinging in his eyes to go away, to dry off.

 ** _Could I have told him then?_** **_I feel like I could have. Like I could have leaned over and kissed him, and he’d kiss me back, and we’d make a bunch of promises about the future and we’d actually keep them._**

**_Do you think I could do it? Do you think I could find balance on my own?_ **

* * *

It was the night before their graduation. Yamaguchi lay in bed, staring hopelessly at his ceiling. There were no stars to guide him tonight. 

The end of their friendship seemed inevitable. Sure, they’d still be _friends_ —he didn’t doubt that. But he’d heard all the stories, and it always played out the same: the friends went down different paths after high school. They stayed in touch for a while, calling and texting every day. Then every other day. Then once a week, definitely. Until exams came up, until they had to go out with their new friends. And by the time they reunited on whatever single day was available to both of them, they would say ‘hey friend’ and greet the face of a stranger.

He didn’t want Tsukki to become a stranger.

But what options did that leave him with? Follow Tsukki everywhere like a puppy? Break off their friendship now to save them both the pain? Both choices were equally ridiculous.

Or could he...embrace this change? 

Could he confess?

Yamaguchi groaned out loud, pressing his palms to his eyes. His body must have acted without his brain’s permission because before he knew it, he was at his desk, tearing out page after page from the back of his journal.

~~**_Dear Tsukishima_ ** ~~

~~**_Dear Kei_ ** ~~

He groaned, scribbling furiously over the lines he’d written. “How do I even begin?” He laid his head on his desk. “This was such a stupid idea…”

It was all his younger cousin’s fault. She’d insisted that they watch _To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before_ and she’d put ideas in his head. He was going to write a letter to Tsukki because if they were going to drift apart in college anyway, then he might as well be honest about his feelings. And...he was tired of being scared.

Which was why he was trying to quickly write this letter before he changed his mind about it.

**_Dear Tsukki_ **

One pile of crumpled paper, two energy drinks, and several hours later, the final draft was finished. He stared at the ink, wondering vaguely if he should tear it into pieces or light it on fire.

The buzz of his phone tore his eyes away.

**[2:04 am] [Text from: ･༓☾Tsukki☽༓･] ready for tomorrow?**

He smiled, wondering why Tsukki was up, but was too tired to ask. 

**[2:04 am—delivered] Yup! ^^ See you then**

But as he lay in bed, his eyes kept wandering back to his desk, and to the letter.  
  


High school was over. 

Yamaguchi almost couldn’t believe it. He got his diploma, said goodbye to his crying volleyball teammates, and dropped Hinata and Kageyama off at the gym for their goodbye spikes. Now, it was only him and Tsukki walking side by side.

All around them, the cherry blossom trees bloomed, pale pink petals opening up to the sky. But even in the gentle breeze, the branches were motionless. 

**_It was as though the whole world was holding still. Waiting for me to confess._ **

“I—”

Yamaguchi stopped, blinking. He and Tsukki had spoken at the same time.

“You go first.”

They’d done it again, and then one more time when they started laughing.

Tsukki shook his head. “Why don’t we go over there?” He gestured to the huge cherry blossom tree behind the gym. 

They settled against the trunk, and Yamaguchi was just about to ask why he was making such a weird face when Tsukki pulled out an envelope. “I have something for you.”

Yamaguchi blinked, reaching into his pocket for his own letter. “...I do, too.”

They both stared at each other. Yamaguchi felt his heart thudding in his ears. What could Tsukki possibly have to say in a letter?

“Trade?”

Yamaguchi nodded, passing it off as though he were handling a bomb. He was about to open Tsukki’s letter when—

“Wait. Can you...turn around?” the other asked, his ears pink.

He bit back a teasing remark, instead making a show of turning his back and sitting in the dirt on the opposite side of the tree trunk. If Tsukki was that embarrassed, then the letter had to be really sentimental. 

Yamaguchi just hoped that his best friend wouldn’t hate him after reading his confession.

He turned the crisp white envelope in his fingers. Seeing his name in Tsukki’s neat handwriting was enough: he didn’t need to read whatever was inside. But he opened it anyway.

**_Dear Yamaguchi,_ **

**_Do you remember last summer? When we went stargazing and I said you were like the north star?_ **

**_The thing about the stars and the moon is that they’re always up in the sky, even if you can’t see them. Even if they can’t see each other._ **

**_We’ve been friends for so long now. With everything else that’s changing, I think our friendship should change, too._ **

His heart stopped.

**_We should stop being friends._ **

Why was he still reading?

**_You should be my boyfriend._ **

...What?

**_Sorry if that’s too forward. I like you. You’ve always stuck by me, even when I’ve been a huge asshole. This is going to be really cheesy, but this is my only chance to say it, so here it goes: you are the light of my life. Hearing your laugh is like lighting a firework on a dark night. You know way too many things about me, but you’re the only person I’d trust with facts like how many dinosaur plushies I have and what music I listen to. The same way I know what kind of fries you like (soggy) and how you stand on one foot when brushing your teeth. You know that’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen? Watching you be a flamingo in front of the mirror?_ **

**_Sorry, it’s 2 am. Anyway._ **

**_You probably don’t return my feelings. Please don’t try to let me down gently. I’d prefer if you either left without saying anything or murdered me on the spot._ **

**_...This isn’t as romantic as it was supposed to be. But I promise I’ll be more of a Romeo if you go on a date with me. (I didn’t mean for that to rhyme.)_ **

**_But if you don’t feel the same way...then please continue to be my friend._ **

**_Love,_ **  
**_Kei_ **

Yamaguchi read the letter three times before he could even begin to process it. Tsukki liked him. Tsukki _confessed_ to him. And the craziest part was, Tsukki was probably thinking the same thing about him on the other side of the tree trunk.

Clutching the letter to his chest, Yamaguchi went over and sat next to him. 

Tsukki’s face was in his hands and his ears were red like an autumn leaf. He spoke, his hands muffling his words. “I...did not expect this.”

“Me neither,” Yamaguchi said with a laugh. “What do we do now?”

“We…” Tsukki lowered his hands, turning to him. “We be boyfriends.”

He felt his heart squeezing his chest, a hurricane of butterflies. “Can I kiss you?”

Tsukki opened his mouth, then closed it. (He was probably contemplating whether or not to make a grammar joke.) “Duh.”

Yamaguchi leaned over and finally, finally kissed his crush, whose lips tasted like strawberry milk and whose hands awkwardly clung to the sides of his shirt. But he kissed back with just as much fervor, so Yamaguchi didn’t mind.

**_Today, I had my first kiss. Tree roots pushed at my butt, I was covered in dirt, and we bumped noses. But...his lips were so warm against mine, and a robin sang in the distance. It was perfect._ **

**Author's Note:**

> thank you very much to my pals [ana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnarchyAngel/works) and [chan](https://bokuakasalways.tumblr.com/) for beta-reading this fic for me <3 y’all are the only reason it’s decent lmao
> 
> and thank you for reading ! 
> 
> my social media:  
> [carrd](https://spadebrigade.carrd.co/) | [tumblr](https://spadebrigade.tumblr.com/) | [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/spade.yy/) | [twitter](https://twitter.com/spade_yy)


End file.
